“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
Page All About Neecee B.
I am a blogger focusing on mental health concerns and issues. My experiences include truama, which occured in different stages of my life. The truama has resulted in multiple diagnoses.
My journey has been an interesting one to say the least. I have not always had the easiest time in managing my mental health issues. Throughout my attempts in managing my emotional rollercoaster, I found journaling. Journaling has become a staple in my coping skills tool box. When I came to a point that I was faced with a decision in what I would do moving forward, I chose blogging.
I write about several things, including my experiences and take on mental health. I also share my perspective on current events. And just to make it fun I also include stories about my emotional support dog, Apollo. Apollo is a French Mastiff and is the smartest dumb buddy I could ever ask for.
Agoraphobia This post will look at various aspects of the agoraphobia disorder as well as the anxiety disorder with focus on its various symptoms that are associated. The ratio of American citizens will also be looked at to clarify the prevelance it really has here.
“Never Have I Delt With Anything More Difficult Than My Own Soul.”
As I grew up, I struggled with my emotions. I felt that I was constantly overwhelmed by my emotions flooding my mind. I would experience these episodes with no rhyme or reason. It is hard enough as a growing person to learn the world around them. I had the added difficulty of trying to sort my feelings. My feelings are part of me, they felt real.
The pain, confusion, and fear would be so strong I had difficulty relating them with what was actually happening. They were so overwhelming as I got older I wanted the people close to me to also acknowledge them.
I am not sure if I wanted validation of my feelings because I myself was confused or if I just needed help in enduring them. Thinking that over time my brain was trying to correlate the feelings with action. I would reflect on the last time I felt these feelings so strongly. It would take me back in memory to that time. The incident in question would be my only focus.
Focusing On The Negative
Unfortunately, because the feelings would more times than not be unpleasant the memories would take me to times of betrayal and pain. I would be brought to times in my life with my spouse that where usually the hardest times in our relationship. I would feel like these transgressions were hurting as if they had just happened.
This happens for me over and over. For years after an incident, I would be reliving them. Things I had explored with my spouse dozens of times prior would again be upfront. I would be searching for ways to make the cycle stop. I felt like I missed something, if only we talk about it one more time I will find the key.
Once I had my key I would be free. I would become desperate to make it stop. The torture I would inflict on the one’s I love. I would push them away with my madness when all I really needed was help.
Help to get out of my own head. As the years went by the cycle just became exhausting. I wanted my feelings to be acknowledged as they were real, but they were not. My feelings would betray me.
It wasn’t until I read an article about this very subject that I was able to even explore the idea I was being controlled by my brains misfiring. That when yo canu are raised in drama and turmoil you train your brain to see the danger in everything around you.
In all the best intentions your brain floods with chemicals, a synopsis is in overdrive. It’s as if your mind and body tense for the coiled hunting lion that is perched just out of sight. You are ready to react. I finally realized the lion wasn’t there. It wasn’t a lion at all.
It was all the childhood trauma waiting in the shadows. The attacks that I didn’t understand. Not prepared for it. I had become accustomed to being ready for what was going to happen next. I realized my mind was trying to protect me. In all, it’s a misguided concern, the flood of emotion had made me wary of everyone and everything. It pushed those away not strong enough to care through the “episodes”.
It had coped the only way it could. I was ready now to thank my mind for protecting me. For acknowledging what I was going through and discount the feelings as not relevant to the current situation. Instead of creating scenarios to fit my feelings, I was seeing my surroundings for what they really were. I could breathe again.
Short story or a poem. It’s just something I had to go get out. Before being diagnosed with OCD I was always in a state of changing emotions. I was good at hiding it from most people. My husband would be the one listening to me at two in the morning because I couldn’t sleep. It was worse for him in many ways then myself. He was being asked to react to something that made no sense and he had no perception of. I am blessed that he is a strong man that cared enough to sit through a year of couples therapy to learn about how my particular mind works. Today my episodes are fewer. But understanding of what is going on has changed things for us both.