Personally I have been every size my body could manage in my lifetime. I started out very thin. I went through school being a bean pole they would say. I am tall for a girl, almost 6 foot. In middle school I toward over everyone. I was know for wearing high water pants. My waist was tiny but my legs seemed like stretched out bony posts. I stayed that way into my twenties. But at 25 when I was out of the military and having children back to back I started putting on weight. A t my largest I topped out at close to 350. Even at that weight though I worked hard and was as strong as a farm hand. Well I was kinda a farm hand by that point. And looking at 30. Into my thirties I started to get high blood pressure which scared me. I went on a diet and lost the equivalent of an average human. I have had times where I loved my body and times when I didn’t. I will say that I have had no problem finding jobs, friends, or spouses at all those stages. I attribute this not too my weight or body shape though. I have always thought my best feature is my personality. I find that if I’m confident it attracts others. It gives me an advantage in situations of competition also. If you interview twenty people the answers they give will bleed into a forgetful mess. But the person that smiled gave a string handshake and made you laugh may stick in your mind. Of course I’m not always confident inside though. I have been in relationships where I have been treated badly. Being cheated on has a way of destroying your inner cheerleading team. It’s hard to think your amazing if the person your with chooses to make someone else feel something. I have found in those situations that my ability to even cover my feelings melts away. I begin to o question everything about me. I wonder how anyone could love me. This in my case leads to depression. I have always struggled with depression and other mood disorders. The sad side affect of this is that just when your at your lowest your proficy are self fulfilling. Because who wants someone who is down around them. This just fuels the self loathing, and around and around we go. My solution to this is to remove the forces that don’t bring out the best in myself. Of course there are ups and downs and give and take in any relationship. The ones though that seem to drain our light though and seem to be more negative with only rare spots of light are the ones our souls can not withstand for long periods of time before we begin to forget how it was ever different.
For the people out there who are experiencing doubt in them selves for whatever fault you have conjured up, I would say stop. For as many as shaped and sizes can be imagined there is someone who will love it. At the end of the day we all deserve to be loved and cherished. I’d say to all the women out there killing themselves to diet and exercise and abstaining from bread since highschool, stop it. If you do it because you love it and it makes you happy then by all means. But if your in the group that does it thinking someone will love you if only you change, please stop. You would be better served finding hobbies you enjoy. Spend time doing things that feed your soul. Start painting, or take that trip. Do whatever it is your putting off until you “fix” yourself and instead love your self. When you like your self others will too. When you start talking about the class your taking or the museum to our visited instead of how miserable your lunch of lemon cayenne pepper was to drink you would be surprised how people will start seeking you out.
My one dream for all women had nothing to do with world peace or building schools in other countries. I would wish that every women saw her own potential and that she accepted herself as she is. Women’s hurt in low self esteem is the largest hurt I would like to heal.
Coronavirus, lockdowns and the looming second wave