Body Image Can Be Deceiving
Insecurities taking hold of my youth
Having had so many different influences in my life, My self esteem tended to be all over the place. I often find myself having opposite feelings at the same time. I was full of insecurities. I’m sure many children are conflicted like me. Being told as a child that I was beautiful often. I had long blond hair that curled at the ends. My eyes are blue, and thanks to my mom’s lack of cooking skills I was skinny.
On one hand, at school I was teased because of my height. I was called a dog, and many of the older girls in my school would talk about me. My mom I feel, saw me as a threat. Height caused me to be mistaken for older then I was. She made reference to my step father being more attracted to me then her. I think as a teenager it was true although I don’t think he would have behaved the way he did if she didn’t push him about it.
Holding onto my self esteem
Through it all I kept a really high sense of self-esteem outwardly. Being smart and easily fiting into any group. I tended to be too tall and aggressive for any one to bully. But underneath all of that I feel like I’m unattractive and very insecure. I think my extremely outgoing personality is probably a defense mechanism, I never wanted to be seen as weak. I knew from experience no one wants to hear someone complain about themselves. In fact when you are the opposite it’s usually refreshing. So I was that girl. I challenged myself to talk to people I didn’t know on a regular basis. I would try anything. Making others laugh and feel good about themselves makes me happy.
Wearing a mask
I need people around me, it’s exhausting but I love the mask I wear usually.
Under the mask though has been an overweight woman with insecurities. Maybe because of my weight changes in my life I have never felt like I am fat. When I pass by a mirror I never recognize myself. The person on the other side is like a stranger. I have no love for that person. Although I don’t think I’m ugly, I feel like my personality is my asset.
My height my strength and weakness
Because of my height clothes have always been an issue. I have no sense of fashion, instead relying more on what fit and in my price range than any other factor. I felt I stood out in generally conservative clothing. Wishing I loved my body enough to wear the revealing clothes I saw other women my age wearing. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. Over time it has all just blended into who I have become. I started to embrace it.
The years passed
As the years have passed I have for the most part given up on many of the rituals I had as a teenager. It’s funny how your self esteem is based on different things as you age. A messy bun tops my head most days. It requires no effort. My makeup had been largely unused the last few years. I recently went through and tossed most of it. It had probably expired a year prior. I splurged the other day and bought a few items. My approach now days requires no more then ten minutes from head to toe.
Bye-bye to the bra,, my self esteem no longer based on restrictive clothing
Buying bras had become a hassle. My arms would hurt just to try and put them on. The thought of not wearing one was mortifying when I was young. At one point it just changed, I just didn’t wear one. It was an enlightening experience. I wondered why I had ever worn one at all. Bras have become a thing of the past. Besides the occasional hard nipple incident it has been wonderful. I have also found a love for the jumpsuit. One article of clothing cuts the need to put two pieces together. My reluctance of highlighting my belly forgotten when I wore the first jumpsuit. I lost my insecurity in exchange for comfort. Fetish was born that day. Much of my previous clothes being thrown out to make room for the inexpensive comfortable jumpsuits to hold reign in my closet.
No more room for insecurity. It fell along the wayside like things tend to do
I guess as I aged I just had no room for insecurity to fill my brain any longer. Although the thoughts still flitter through my mind occasionally I don’t hold onto them. I just have no use for those thoughts. I’ll be the first to admit though I still have many other toxic thoughts, they have been softened by medication. I was diagnosed with OCD not too long ago. It explained my obsessive thought pattern and need to speak everything on my mind. Free from the thoughts I was able to let go of a lot of the insecrities I had festering for years.
If you would like to read more about insecurity in women link below.
Do you find yourself feeling filled with self-doubt and short on confidence? Despite your accomplishments, do you feel like a fraud destined to be exposed? Do you feel that you don’t deserve lasting love and that partners will inevitably leave you?