A Clueless Attempt At Love

I Was Too Young

Back in the age of phones being attached to your home and the long cables getting twisted up while you sat up against the wall and talked on the phone.

Searching Without An App

Things where very different. You couldn’t call someone to see where they where. You had to catch them before they left the house. Because of the lack of technology dating was very different also.

From A Small Town

I grew up in a very small town. In my eigth grade class there where eight students. It was not a diverse community, so my interactions with a lot of things was very minimal.

I Was A Runaway

To really give you a visual I had left home when I was 14. I bounced around a bit and ended up in San Diego. The first time I had sour cream was when I moved out of my parents house.

Neecee b selfie art alternative bi-sexual author speaking about mental and difficult personal stories

Was Clueless

Of course sour cream was available everywhere. Where I lived though it was over an hour to a supermarket. My family bought groceries once a month, so we didn’t get many perishables. We drank the foulest thing known to man, powdered milk.

Exploring My Surroundings

Once I was on my own and in a city there where a lot of things to explore. Food, movies, and music were the things I enjoyed most. My first concert was clash of the Titans with Slayer and Megadeath, Alice in chains opened for them.

Diversity Blew My Mind

Just the mix of people was almost overwhelming. The diversity was crazy to me. I found a community within San Diego, Called Hillcrest. At the time it was frequented by predominantly gay people.

I Am Bi-Sexual

I really had never contemplated that I was bi-sexual. I had no reference to gauge something like that. I was entrapped with that concept that there was even a choice.

Neecee b an agoraphobia sufferer mental health issues depression anxiety

Being Attracted To Women Was Natural

Up to that point I had enjoyed cuddling with my female friends. It had always been natural to me. I found attraction in both sexes, and always had. But here I began to realize there where labels.

I Am Attracted To Both Sexs

I realized I was bi-sexual probably leaning to woman. I was curious and wanted friends. Back then there where no apps. What you had where newspapers or flyers with personal ads. In San Diego it was Hillcrest, so that’s where I would go to coffee shops and read the newsletters.

Trying To Date In The Dark Ages

If I wanted to meet someone I would have to call a number and leave a voicemail. If they where interested they could leave a voicemail back. You can see all of this took time. Then you would have to talk on the phone because we didn’t have cell phones back then.

I Found The One

Through all of this searching I met who I thought was an amazing woman. She had broken her leg not too long back and was doing physical therapy to strengthen the leg without the cast. She was lonely and I wanted to know so much.

I Was Too Young

I wasnt even sixteen at the time but no one ever guessed it. I worked full-time to support myself and so I was just accepted as an adult. I never got carded anywhere I went,but times where different back then. She was in her early twenties and she knew where everything was.

Spending Time Together

We would hang out and go shopping. We hung out at the clubs in Hillcrest and even went to the gay pride festival together. I was young and naive but I was sure I was in love. The thing about those times though, was even with so many people out and being open there was still a lot of hate.

Hate Crimes

It was common to hear about gay and lesbian people being attacked or hurt when people would throw things from their car as they drove by. It was still a problem in most work places. So eventually my friend had to return to work and in her mind that meant our friendship had to end also.

My Heart Was Broken

I was crushed, and called her so many times. Going to the extreme of finding her new number when she changed it. It was different for me because I didn’t care what anyone thought. I don’t think it even occured to me to care.

Neecee B selfie art mental health depression anxiety agoraphobia PTSD ocd

Looking Back I Understand

I understand now her position it wasn’t just being a lesbian, it was my age. I remember she got pretty angry at me and said hurtful things. I realize now it was the only way to make me stop pursuing her. My feelings where devastated though. Although she was the first woman I thought I loved the pattern would repeat.

The Cycle Would Repeat

Back in those days it seemed I would find a woman who was interested while we where at the club or friends house that would be interested. In the morning with reality came the inevitable denial. I know things are different now but I think I still have reservations about women from these early days.

*Looking back it was such a different time. Things where difficult, and sometimes dangerous. As a women with tattoos and trying to date girls there were more broken hearts then home runs. I’m jealous of the kids now. Growing up in California at least things are very open and inclusive.

Phoenix and still I rise from mental health issues

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