“Who knew the coping skills learned in a toxic family wouldn’t translate to my adult reality.”
The Struggle Is Real
As I grew up, I struggled with my emotions. I felt that I was constantly overwhelmed by my emotions flooding my mind. I would experience these episodes with no rhyme or reason. It is hard enough as a growing person to learn the world around them. I had the added difficulty of trying to sort my feelings. My feelings are part of me, they felt real. The pain, confusion, and fear would be so strong I had difficulty relating them with what was actually happening. They were so overwhelming as I got older I wanted the people close to me to also acknowledge them.
I Wanted Validation
I am not sure if I wanted validation of my feelings because I myself was confused or if I just needed help in enduring them. I think that over time my brain was trying to correlate the feelings with action. I would reflect on the last time I felt these feelings so strongly. It would take me back in memory to that time. The incident in question would be my only focus.
Reliving The Bad Memories
Unfortunately, because the feelings would more times than not be unpleasant the memories would take me to times of betrayal and pain. I would be brought to times in my life with my spouse that where usually the hardest times in our relationship. I would feel like these transgressions were hurting as if they had just happened.
The Cycle Repeats
This happens for me over and over. For years after an incident, I would be reliving them. Things I had explored with my spouse dozens of times prior would again be upfront. I would be searching for ways to make the cycle stop. I felt like I missed something, if only we talk about it one more time I will find the key.
I Was Looking For The Solution
Once I had my key I would be free. I would become desperate to make it stop. The torture I would inflict on the one’s I love. I would push them away with my madness when all I really needed was help.
Trapped In My Mind
Help to get out of my own head. As the years went by the cycle just became exhausting. I wanted my feelings to be acknowledged as they were real, but they were not. My feelings would betray me.
Maybe My Brain Isn’t Working Normally
It wasn’t until I read an article about this very subject that I was able to even explore the idea I was being controlled by my brains misfiring. That when you are raised in drama and turmoil you train your brain to see the danger in everything around you.
My Brain Was Overloading
In all the best intentions your brain floods with chemicals, a synopsis is in overdrive. It’s as if your mind and body tense for the coiled hunting lion that is perched just out of sight. You are ready to react. I finally realized the lion wasn’t there. It wasn’t a lion at all.
It was all the childhood trauma waiting in the shadows. The attacks that I didn’t understand. I wasn’t prepared for it. I had become accustomed to being ready for what was going to happen next. I realized my mind was trying to protect me. In all, it’s a misguided concern, the flood of emotion had made me wary of everyone and everything. It pushed those away not strong enough to care through the “episodes”.
It had coped the only way it could. I was ready now to thank my mind for protecting me. For acknowledging what I was going through and discount the feelings as not relevant to the current situation. Instead of creating scenarios to fit my feelings, I was seeing my surroundings for what they really were. I could breathe again.
Short story or a poem. It’s just something I had to go get out. Before being diagnosed with OCD I was always in a state of changing emotions. I was good at hiding it from most people. My husband would be the one listening to me at two in the morning because I couldn’t sleep. It was worse for him in many ways then myself. He was being asked to react to something that made no sense and he had no perception of. I am blessed that he is a strong man that cared enough to sit through a year of couples therapy to learn about how my particular mind works. Today my episodes are fewer. But understanding of what is going on has changed things for us both.