My joy these days has been coming from the whole process of building and running my blog. This happifies me because it is a therapeutic way for me to process memories. Here I am creating articles from my past and present. I am truly my own boss and able to focus on what brings me growth. What I want to talk about now is something I was diagnosed with only in the last year. I want to share these feelings in hopes that others are finding value in what I have discovered about myself. It can be either something may strike a chord with a feeling they may have themselves or it can be interesting for them to read how someone else’s brain functions.
There was a point recently in my life where while working with the therapist I realized not everyone has thoughts in their mind that they try to suppress every waking moment. I literally have OCD in which once a thought is in my mind I physically have to speak it. The problem being that not every thought needs to be spoken and in fact shouldn’t be spoken. It was fascinating to me that when taking medication that pressure that was previously on my mind constantly just went away. I felt like a sand bag was lifted from the top of my head. For the first time I had control over what I wanted to say and when. The only downside was I was somewhat of a party entertainer to my friends prior to the medication. I think they where afraid that the entertainment value of me saying crazy shit that everyone else was thinking but didn’t have the bad taste to say would stop. Of course I think that saying what I think has been engrained in me, so no worries I still say shit no one else would. And no worries I still get invited places. But where the real problem occurred was with relationships specifically my marriages. Yes I said marriage in the plural form. Imagine if you will, being in close quarters with someone who feels they have to say things on their mind at any time often with no warning. There where times when I would literally wake my partner up in the middle of the night because I had been thinking about some obscure fight from two years prior. What would happen is that some feeling I would have that in my case would be very strong. My feelings tend to be as strong as if something was occurring at that very moment. The best way to describe this is when you are confronted with something really scary like a man with a chainsaw in a Halloween maze, you feel terror and all other types of feelings like confusion. In that moment your heart is probably beating your frantic and trying to keep your self from fleeing.
A normal person can tell that story a week later and maybe recreate a fraction of the feeling they had from that night. In my case I will feel that same level of feeling from the original incident but in an atmosphere that is not appropriate for this level of emotion. Then once I would have that feeling I would think back in my life when I had previously felt that before. Once I would remember an episode in my past and matched it to a feeling I was having, I would then fully be back in that moment. Of course I wouldn’t do this consciously, it was all done in a matter of moments thanks to whatever mixture of chemicals my brain was being bathed in. That moment would then take over my life. How this was destroying any chance of a happy marriage is really simple. Imagine being married to me, me being the emotional cripple. Think on a time where maybe you disappointed your significant other. For many of us when this happens we are filled with regret and remorse, maybe embarrassment or other feelings that we tend to not like. Now imagine that randomly you are reminded of these instances on occasion with no warning. And in some cases woken up in the middle of the night to rehash the whole experience. I’m sure it’s easy to now see why I have been married more then one time, because over a few years (usually coincidentally seven years time) these incidents and feelings would build up and become too much to deal with on a daily basis. So prior to being diagnosed I livid my life in chunks of seven years. What I have also learned is that emotions are not always our truths. In some cases our brains are just simply malfunctioning messes that although probably trying to protect us are actually just driving us and our loved ones crazy. So besides making for good material for my blog, this is my emotional handicap. I think that how writing about this has helped me the most is to read these posts over a few times and really appreciate how the others in my life are affected. Really I believe anyone who has tried to live with and have a functioning relationship with me should not only be receiving hazard pay but be awarded the equivalent of the purple heart..